The Attack Laurel Academy

The Attack Laurel's Guide to What the Other Laurels are Really Saying

In the current socio-political climate of smarmy self-esteem protecting political correctness, many Laurels have been forced to go underground when judging the work of the pathetic whiners that call themselves "artisans".  Forced to be nice, punished for any whisper of negative assessment, and continually brow-beaten into believing that "don't be nasty and try not to hurt anyone's feelings" actually means "don't tell someone they still need to do some work, because hearing they're not perfect just the way they are makes people feel bad", Laurels have developed their own secret language for use with someone who clearly doesn't want to hear that they're anything less than the Second Coming.

Some Laurels have actually started to believe the hype, and consider being nice more important than letting people know how much they still need to learn.  We here at the Attack Laurel Headquarters call them "Paula Abduls". 

Because the Attack Laurel Academy is dedicated to Truth, Justice, and the Crushing of Dreams, we prefer the "Simon Cowell" business model, but sometimes it is neccessary for an individual Attack Laurel to go incognito, pretending that they're just a HumbleHarmless Laurel^[TM].  Examples of such situations include:

A harmless Laurel

1.  Moving to a new Kingdom:  To assure proper integration and eventual domination of the local Laurel community, Attack Laurels are advised to keep their credentials under wraps until total control is assured.

2.  Large burly artisans:  If the Attack Laurel is in danger of physical harm when presenting an attack of epic proportions honest assessment of the artisan's work, pretending to be some wishy-washy bleeding heart Laurel who actually cares is safer (if more icky) than being beaten up.

3.  Royalty in the vicinity:  Attack Laurels are advised to "play nice" around Royalty so that they don't sabotage the chance for that "courtesy" award they have their eye on.

A harmless Laurel

To assure your unimpeachable disguise, the Attack Laurel Language Division has gone through great personal hardship to bring you the following translation guide.

(They had to sit for hours listening to "nice" Laurels talking to artisans.  They're still weak, but they're recovering, and should be able to sit up in bed and take solid foods any day now.  Their sacrifice is your gain, and you owe them.)

The format of the Guide is as follows:

What the Laurel says (What they really mean)

1.  "What did you have in mind when you started this project?" (What the hell were you thinking!?)

2.  "Your documentation is very concise."  (Your documentation is retarded.)

3.  "That's very... medieval."  (Don't sell yourself short - that's totally evil.)¹